But there is something inside a person which must be kept hidden from others; its 16weeks today after being on the runway for the Culture and Art festival show. In recent times, it’s solely about my looks. Behind closed doors, I’m frequently standing on a dressing table gazing at my six foot body from a rare mirror view, where I’m consciously measuring how much my breasts have grown…they look somewhat fuller than usual, remembering vividly how my menstrual period went on recess, spanning 3 months now. But this didn’t bother much of me, a least with the recent hike in the prices of sanitary towels, the breaks were needful.
Notwithstanding, I’m rich! My father is rich! He owns several textile mills and I’m His only heir. But I’m a bit pressed for time and thoughts on what exactly went wrong heightened my hysteric state leaving me with bitter doses of confusions, at this point! I really didn’t know whether to cry or laugh, but well, that’s just what lives of grown-ups entails….I’m growing, as we age our bodies tend to require more food, just what I think about my recent weight gain, which of course is so bad for what I do…. a model.
And then, these couple of days I keep feeling this consistencies in people’s stares directed to my belly area. Even my mum, she’s got some pits of suspicion in her looks, my crop tops don’t fit as usual, thus! A need to shop for new wardrobe collections, free flowing gowns to cover that part that raises attention.
I’m now stuck to every mirror, constantly trying to suck in my tommy, as usual, I’m still confused and unfamiliar with the chances….not sure if this must be kept hidden or what growth feels like.
But I will feel rather embarrassed, pushing myself and career with a heavy bump hanging over air, so do I see myself contributing to pro-creation at sixteen? Well, have been quite engaged with lot of people these past months, but will blatantly not come to terms with a baby bump. Let’s have it to be some belly fat which I will have all shed off in days as soon as I resume my workout routines. But my fatigue and nausea worsens with each passing morning seeming to unfold the realities of an expectant mother….Especially with the circumstances I am now surrounded with…..
Without further ado, I unlocked my iPhone and horridly surfed the net for presumptive pregnancy symptoms which had all or some of my signs and symptoms, just few I was to experience later as the pregnancy lingers …. I didn’t bother seeing a doctor. Been sexually active for 4 years now, having known how much my family holds sexual dignity in high esteem….there was a urge to act really fast and for my recent admission into a private higher institution to study Medicine and Surgery, this just made the situation overly complicated.
I have taken poisons, they couldn’t kill me, I tried to hang myself, I was that pendulum bulb swinging towards depression and back, till my patriotic friend came to my succour, she took me somewhere to procure an abortion, where I was turned upside down and hydrochloric acid poured up my vagina.
Oops! I was at the gates of hell, rummaging around in my own thoughts, just in time, when a hard knot in my brain began to loosen.
I think I may lose my life procuring an unsafe abortion, maybe the complications there of, but I hear bringing forth a child is so painful, can I survive it? But I can’t change the way things are, I will accept my mistakes, not even knowing whose seed I now have inside of me, having met with random men, one about my father’s age mate, two in their early 20’s, others I will prefer unclassified. All and none whose contacts I can’t lay hands on….. So! Child who is your father?
My dad will give no listening ears, but to my mum, her motherly love lingers, what should I tell her?
Written by: Priscillia Omeyime Ojo